Updated: Apr 7, 2021
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) Vas comprising a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the presence of at least 5 of 9 criteria.
Narcissism does not mean self-love, it means they are in love with an idealized, grandiose image of themselves. In love with an inflated self-image because it allows them to avoid deep feelings of insecurity. They will tell themselves they are “great guys” or “great women” because they treat others wonderful in a compartmental way. They see treating their wife great by giving her what she wants, good sex, romance. They see themselves as a great parent giving their kid what they want, taking care of them when the other parent is gone, etc. What they do not see is that cheating on their partner is mentally abusive and not only hurts the partner, but the children as well. The do not see that aspect of their behavior believing since they treat others wonderful if the cheating were found out, they would be forgiven since they are such a great person. They come across as cocky, manipulative, selfish, patronizing, and demanding.
They have an acute awareness of the person they want to use.
Narcissist will study their victims and get to know what they like and dislike and use that information to their advantage. They will test their theories and purposely do manipulative behaviors to see how their victim will react. Any type of emotional response and they got what they were aiming for. Being able to read another’s emotions, accurately predict how they would respond, plan out how to behave regardless of their feelings in the moment.
Several different tactics are used by narcissist.
There can never a complete list of tactics used since there are so many of them and different tactics. One way to test a person is to say something that appears as a joke, but they really want is the victim to respond so they can see the reaction provided. Did the victims respond by getting mad, punching them in the arm, saying something hurtful, become challenging, make another degrading remark, laugh, or cry?
Narcissist can look a person straight in the eyes and lie to them with a trick.
If look at someone’s eyebrows and it will appear you are looking at that person in their eyes. No guilt, shame, or feeling is emitted from the person doing the lying when looking at the eyebrows. When the narcissist is experiencing a person as being special and wonderful, because they are feeling special and wonderful in their presence, they feel happy and loved. The best time with a narcissist is on vacation usually. No one to try and impress and they are looking to just have fun and relax.
When a narcissist feels hurt, threatened, embarrassed, humiliated, abandoned, or disrespected they want to retaliate.
The moment the victims does not do what they want the victim to do, say something they do not like, believe the comment is hurtful or embarrassing, they are likely to treat you terribly with little regard for your feelings. This emotional roller coaster eventually gets old because the victim never knows what made them upset. A lot of times they will just walk away, but the comments they are saying in their head is something no one wants to know.
Narcissists retaliate in several ways when a partner has left them or they are going through a divorce.
A smear campaign of the other person to friends and family members. Remember all that data they collected; they will use it. If a victim responded to their not so funny joke with punching them in the arm, they will exaggerate that and say the victims always hit them, they would punch them daily, they never did anything and for no reason the victim would punch them. They will then bring up a time they said something and the victims punched them in the arm to reinforce their lie.
They tell themselves that things happened that will make them appear to be a good person. They will then tell the victims their story with them as a good person. One father was telling a mother how he was going to be staying home for New Years Even and how she knows he never does anything on that holiday and he would take the kids so she could go out and celebrate. As he is telling her this, her brain is telling her last year he went to work. He got out early and instead of coming home, he went to his best friend’s party and did not call and ask her to attend with him. When she explains this, he starts to raise his voice and gets loud then goes off on another subject getting louder and spit starts flying out of his mouth.
When a narcissist tells a situation about something that happened or is going on, they will leave out information of negative behavior they have done. They will never do anything wrong and look like a “hero” in their story.
Anything that happens will be the victim’s fault.
It was the victim's fault they cheated, they had a gambling problem, bills were not paid, they were late to a meeting, they lost their job etc. To make them the hero in divorce they will say the other person left them because they were too good to them. If they cheated on their partner and then the partner cheated, they will never say that they were cheating, the focus will only be on the other partner cheating.
Fathers in family court will say all they want is to see their children, and even fake cry during the hearing to get attention.
The narcissist will blame the mother and put on a good show with their testimony. The reality is the father is not showing up for the visitations to get the children. No call, no warning, no trying to reschedule the pickup time. Since they will listen to hearsay information from the parent who is purchasing custody, they will not listen to the mother stating he missed five of the last ten visits. The object is to make the other parent look bad so when they sell custody, it looks like the narcissist was the good parent after all. In court you cannot say the person was lying, you must use “teller of untruths.”
Another tact is to always wear their worst street clothes to court and then go into court and state how they are broke because the mother is taking all their money for child support. The next time they get the children for visitation, they will pull up with their new car speakers blaring.
When it come to the kids, they are the fun parent!
The parent wants the children to see them as fun so they will want to visit with them and be on their best behavior. If the narcissist wants custody of the kids, they will be the funniest and greatest parent ever! When they do not get the kids for visitations it will always be another person’s fault. Had to work, need to help someone in need, or the dad changed the time and then did not show and tricked her. She says to the kids, “You know how he does that!!!!!!!” Once they get custody, it will be to late when the children realize the parent was not really a fun parent after all. The damage has been done and the protective parent has been made to appear not the best choice for the children’s wellbeing. The children have two choices, commit suicide or submit to the abusive parent and try to come with a life of hell by trauma bonding to the parent. The more the child pushes away the other parent the easier their life will be living with the abusive parent who tricked them.
The court contractors need the abusive parent to continue to torture the other parent.
Parents do not just give up their kids, it is a natural instinct to keep them safe. If the other parent is abusive, they will put up a fight and this is what makes selling custody so hard. The abusive parent is doing their job and making the court contractors job easier. They are just waiting to wear down the protective parent and while doing that they build a case for the other parent to look good. The protective parent is being set up and they do not even know it.