Updated: Jun 17
High conflict divorce/custody cases cause trauma, and women are more likely to hold that trauma in their hips. Unless you do the work to release that stored trauma, all of that buried tension can become stuck and manifest as pain. If you have been through the court system and having hip pain, read on to find ways to help and how an actual noncustodial mother healed her hip pain.
Trauma is thought as a mental issue, but we forget there is a physical aspect to trauma.
The torture that a person goes through in divorce court or custody to keep your kids safe, is an experience that will overwhelm a person's capacity to protect themselves.
Non-custodial mom, Deanna Kloostra experienced hip issues after her abusive former spouse received custody of her children.
"I had hip pain for five years that could not be explained. My hips would just not stay in place no matter what. I did the pelvic clock exercise and still nothing. After several times in physical therapy and a pinched nerve, I finally gave in and just used the back brace 24/7." Deann Kloostra said.
A person can mentally process a traumatic experience but their body may still be activated by it.
A body-based problem may require a body-based solution. Once you address the physiology behind your fight, flight, or freeze response, you can start using mindful approaches. The hips help a person move forward. When you’re really struggling with moving forward or feel stuck, problems within the hips can arise. Trauma held in the hips can feel like soreness, tightness, or a pulling sensation. Sometimes when the hips are healed, planter fasciitis can set into the feet.
Sometimes we need to help tension leave the body.
Below are some techniques noncustodial mom Deanna Kloostra used to help her release trauma held in her body.
Leaving and abuser is difficult and doing so while pregnant is triple the stress. Deanna states she would forget that she was even pregnant until she passed by a mirror. To become more grounded in her own body, she would sit in the nursery and say to herself like:
The baby is going to sleep in that crib.
The baby will be changed on that changing table.
Deanna states she started using the babies name in statements such as:
I will breast feed Alyssa in this chair.
Alyssa will where these clothes grandma got her.
Later, Deanna would use this technique when the former spouse obtained custody and the children were gone. To keep grounded she would use objects in the room such as:
That is a television.
That is a table.
This is a picture while touching the picture.
I am laying on the bed.
Reading the Bible to heal PTSD
When she could not sleep, Deanna would read the bible. She states she would sleep for four hours and then wake up with court experiences going through her head. She would get out the bible and read until she fell back asleep for another four hours. Deanna said eventually she was sleeping eight hours and her trauma was healed mentally.
Expressing yourself in the way that your body wants to express. Close the blinds, put on a feel-good song, and let your body move freely. Deanna states she would a lot of times put goop on her face and hair as well.
Asking yourself questions will get you moving along as well. Questions on health and happiness are the best questions.
What do I need to let go of?
What’s taking up too much of my time?
What makes me happy?
What can I put on my bucket list?
To begin, lie on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat, and visualize your pelvis resting on a clock face. Top him at 12 o’ clock, bottom of him at 6 o’ clock, and hip on 3 and 9 o’ clock. Rotate to each clock position and left that stop up. Once around the clock go again but this time push that body part down to the floor. There are several videos and even pelvic exercise apps you can use.
Physical therapist used to recommend back braces placed around the hips but bow there are sciatic belts you can use. These are smaller and can fit under clothes. If you feel uncomfortable or have a bigger size bottom try the back brace.
A few other techniques that are used to process buried emotions.
We understand that the court system can leave you with little to no income. Wanting to help mothers heal we are giving ideas to do at home but remember you can seek out therapy if you have the means to do so.
Name your trauma.
You can't heal if you can't name what you're experiencing. Understanding that family court is torturing you and your children, and saying this out loud, will release a huge amount of stress.
Affirmation are a great way to help heal and remind you that everything will be alright. Keep them positive and you will be feeling better. Here are some examples:
I have the right to feel pain and heal my trauma.
Find your passion
Passion will keep you moving forward, keep you thinking how you're going to accomplish your goal, and keep you focused on the positive.
Change your whys to what.
Whenever someone is experiencing a negative impact to their life, the first question they tend to ask is Why is this happening to me?
We don't walk up to a burning building and ask, “Why is this building on fire?” The first question we ask is, “What do we need to do?” Asking why keeps a person from making any progress. A lot of women will ask themselves, “Why is this happening to me.” When we do this, we are missing the here and now of what is happening and it keeps women stuck. Instead ask yourself questions like:
What would make an attorney not do their job?
What would a GAL be doing to side with my abuser?
What is causing my judge to side with him and not see through my exes lies?
What would cause a judge to not keep a child safe?
What am I willing to say 'yes' to?
What is in the best interest of my children?
You don’t have to answer the question you are asking. Wait and the answer will be given to you from the universe. It is amazing every time this happens.